How I Gaslit Myself Into Staying
By Emna Ouefelli (@emnaouefelli)
Emma is a Paris-based luxury lifestyle content creator whose work seamlessly blends elegance, intentionality, and digital empowerment. With a refined eye for aesthetics and an innate sense of timeless style, Emma has built a personal brand that speaks to women who value modesty, grace, and quiet luxury, both online and in real life. Her content spans beauty, fashion, and slow living, always underpinned by a message of authenticity and self-respect.
We first met at a brand event in Brussels back in April, and I was immediately struck by her calm confidence and her genuine desire to see other women thrive. Beyond the visual beauty of her platform, Emma is deeply passionate about helping women grow their social media presence in a way that honours their values and individuality. Her approach is never about chasing trends, but rather cultivating influence with intention and elegance.
Emma continues to inspire a growing audience of women who look to her not just for style, but for substance. Whether she’s curating content from her Parisian flat or collaborating with global luxury brands, she remains a quietly powerful force in the digital space, reminding us all that you don’t have to be loud to lead.
“I was 22. He was 27. We met in the wine aisle of Waitrose.
He reached for a bottle of Malbec. I reached for Merlot. It felt cinematic.
He wore a wool coat and Italian shoes. He quoted Rilke. Made Spotify playlists with names like “For When You Miss Me x” and referred to his exes as “intense.” It was giving curated mystery. I mistook it for emotional depth. But hindsight is a fine sommelier, revealing what was never truly worth the pour.
Red Flag No. 1 — He Didn’t Make Plans, Just Promises of Vibes
When I asked what our weekend would look like, he offered whimsical ambiguity: “Let’s just see where the evening takes us.”
At the time, I called it romantic spontaneity. Now, I know better. A man who respects you doesn’t offer you the afterthought of his free time. He offers you a reservation. He offers certainty. Charm without intention is just a prettier form of avoidance.
Red Flag No. 2 — He Was Emotionally Literate, Until Accountability Was Required
He spoke fluently about attachment theory, inner child work, and toxic masculinity, as if he'd studied it in a MasterClass. But the moment I shared a boundary or disappointment, I became “too much.” He could intellectualise healing, but not embody it.
A man’s true growth is revealed not in conversation, but in how he handles your “no.” Your softness. Your sacred limits.
Red Flag No. 3 — His Exes Were All "Crazy"
He said it in passing, like one does the weather:
“She just couldn’t handle how calm I am.”
Darling, calm is not detachment. And if every woman before me was "difficult," I assure you, he was the common thread. Men who have healed speak with reverence for the women who came before. Men who haven’t? They collect stories to position themselves as the misunderstood protagonist.
Red Flag No. 4 — He Had No Deep Friendships
There were plenty of mates for football and whisky, but no emotional intimacy, no one who challenged him or reflected him truthfully. When I asked who he leaned on, he said, “I don’t really talk about things.”
Let me translate:
“I repress what I feel, then make it your responsibility.” A man without emotional accountability will eventually make your tenderness feel like a burden.
Red Flag No. 5 — My Body Never Relaxed
I thought it was passion. It was, in fact, anxiety.
My heart would race when I saw his name, not out of excitement, but anticipation. I overanalyzed messages. I rehearsed my tone. I apologised for things I hadn’t even done. There is nothing romantic about nervous system dysregulation.
Butterflies are not a love language. Safety is.
What I Know Now
I live in France now and my life 10x is quieter. My table is fuller. My phone rings less, but my heart is no longer in hiding. I walk to the market on Sundays.I make dinner slowly. I light candles with intention, not longing. And I no longer romanticise potential.
A man who is not ready is not a mystery, he’s simply unavailable because no amount of beauty, softness, or patience can turn a red flag white.
Here is what I’ve come to understand:
A man who wants to build with you does not ask you to guess where you stand.
Emotional literacy means nothing if it only serves his image.
A respectful man speaks of past loves with grace, not disdain.
True masculinity is surrounded by accountability.
And real love, mature love, feels like calm, not chaos.
To the women in their twenties who have learned to live in the tension between hope and what your gut keeps whispering, I see you. I was you. But I’ll tell you this:
Peace is not dull, consistency is not mundane, and red flags? They do not fade.
They collect interest.
And you, my love, are far too exquisite to keep paying the cost.”
By Emna Ouefelli (@emnaouefelli)