She Is The Upgrade

There’s something quietly powerful about being the woman whose lifestyle doesn’t fluctuate depending on whether she’s in love or in her soft era with snacks. It’s not a performance. It’s not defiance. It’s just truth.

My biggest flex? I’m still her, with or without him.

That might sound simple, but it’s taken me years to live it.

There was a time I subtly, unknowingly, let love rearrange my lifestyle. I wasn’t morphing into a whole new woman, but the shift was there: cancelling personal plans to be available, choosing his preferences over mine “just this once” (until once became routine), subconsciously shrinking in spaces where I was once comfortable taking up room.

And it wasn’t dramatic. It was polite. Respectable. The kind of self-abandonment that doesn’t scream, it whispers. I thought I was being accommodating, flexible, mature. What I was really doing was diluting the life I’d carefully cultivated, drip by drip, to avoid rocking a boat I never built.

Until one day, post-breakup, I realised I’d been living in a house I designed, but somehow let someone else rearrange the furniture.

That version of me? She’s been retired, lovingly.

These days, the lifestyle remains. I still book the solo spa days (even when the therapist awkwardly asks, “No plus one?”—no, Sandra, just me and my magnesium oil). I go out for dinner alone and order the dessert because I genuinely want it, I walk into rooms with poise and not with the hope of someone is watching, and all because I’ve learned how to honour the woman God is forming in me.

There’s no waiting room here. I’m not curled up beside a vision board hoping someone will appear and animate the life I’ve imagined. I am the life. I’m the movement, the rhythm, the colour, the soundtrack. He’s welcome to join, but I will not pause the music waiting for a dance partner.

And here’s the twist: men tend to respect that. Genuinely high-quality men, the kind who lead, not control, are not threatened by a woman with a life. They’re drawn to it. They don’t flinch when you say you have plans, standards, structure. They see it and think, Finally, substance. Because a woman who knows who she is? That’s peace. That’s value. That’s not performative femininity, it’s the real kind. It doesn’t need an audience.

Of course, it’s not always glamorous. There are nights when I question the process, wondering if maybe I’m too independent or if my standards are “a bit much.” And there are times I see couples in cafes and have an internal dialogue that goes something like:

“That looks sweet.”

“Yes, but you’re also repulsed by how he chose to dress today. Seriously? Crocks?”

“Touché.”

But the truth remains: the alternative costs too much. I won’t give up the peace I’ve built, the pace I love, or the joy I wake up with for the thrill of companionship that comes with confusion, misalignment, or emotional babysitting.

I don’t perform to be pursued. I don’t outsource my identity to a man’s interest or affection. And I certainly don’t adjust my life to audition for a role I wasn’t called to play. If I’m to partner with someone, it’s because he complements the vision I already walk in, not because I’m waiting for him to assign me one.

So yes, my biggest flex is simple:

With or without him, the lifestyle remains the same.

The career doesn’t stall. The solo brunches continue. The roses are still bought (by me). The skincare routine remains thorough. The mornings still begin with worship and prayer, and end with chamomile tea and a podcast that makes me think (or laugh, depends on the day). There’s softness, ambition, joy, and rest, all coexisting because I stopped believing I needed to earn any of them through romance.

And when love does come? He’ll step into a life already full. No performances. No power plays. Just two whole people choosing to build, together, from overflow, not lack.

So, if you’re in your “with or without him” season, take heart. You’re not too much. You’re not missing anything. You’re becoming. And in the meantime? The lifestyle remains. As it should.

And yes, I’m still lighting candles for myself, booking dinners with no hesitation, and sleeping diagonally across the bed with a smile on my face.

Because truly, what’s more high-value than a woman who never had to compromise herself to feel chosen?