Texting < Leadership

Let me just start by saying this: I am no stranger to the quiet sting of seeing my phone light up... and realising it’s just my Deliveroo order confirmation. Not him. Again. I used to make excuses for men like this. “He’s busy,” I’d say. “Maybe he doesn’t want to come across too strong.” Or the worst one of all: “Maybe I’m asking for too much.” But here’s the thing, I'm not asking for too much. I’m asking for intention. And that’s the bare minimum when it comes to leadership in love.

Texting is not leadership. It’s not pursuing. It’s not clarity. It’s the modern illusion that keeps so many of us stuck in limbo. I remember one evening after a long day at uni, I was curled up on my sofa, phone in hand, hoping for a message that would make me feel seen. Instead, all I got was a half-hearted “Hey.” No question, no follow-up, nothing that said “I’m thinking of you.” Just a lazy, uninvested greeting that left me feeling more alone than before. That’s when I realised texting alone doesn’t build connection. It’s just noise.

I once dated a guy who texted me “good morning” every day like clockwork. At first, it was sweet. I’d smile, thinking, He remembers me first thing, that’s nice. But after a few weeks, that was all there was. No conversation, no plans, no real effort. He expected me to fill in the gaps, to be the one chasing the real connection while he stayed comfortably passive behind his screen. It felt like trying to read tea leaves, trying to guess if he actually wanted to see me or if I was just another time filler. I never got a proper date out of it, just texts that went in circles and endless uncertainty.

And I’ve had to learn this the hard way. I’ve been the girl who stared at her phone trying to draft the perfect reply that wouldn’t make me sound “too keen.” I’ve delayed responses just to match his energy, playing some imaginary game no one’s winning. I remember one time, I waited almost an entire day to respond to a message simply because he hadn’t replied to mine for hours, and when I finally did, the conversation fizzled out like a damp sparkler. I felt silly, caught in a game I didn’t even want to play.

Then there was the time a man finally suggested seeing me. I was thrilled, but the plan was vague, like “maybe this weekend?” with no time or place. I asked for details, and he said, “I’ll let you know.” When Friday rolled around, nothing. I found out later he’d spent the evening with his mates instead. That kind of half-hearted communication isn’t just frustrating, it’s hurtful. It chips away at your confidence until you start wondering if you’re even worth the effort.

Now, older and (hopefully) a bit wiser, I recognise that when a man is serious, there’s no fog of confusion. You don’t feel like you’re constantly auditioning for the role of “Worthy Woman #1.” You feel chosen, valued, pursued. Because let’s be honest: when a man wants to lead, he does. I remember dating someone who was clear from the start. He didn’t rely on texts to keep me interested. He picked up the phone, made plans, asked about my day, and followed through. He booked dinners in advance, not twenty minutes before. Even though things didn’t work out long-term, I walked away clear-headed, because he communicated like a man, not a teenager with poor signal.

A man of intent doesn’t leave you squinting between the lines of his texts. He sets the pace. He makes plans and follows through on them. He understands that leadership isn’t control, it’s direction. And that direction is always rooted in clarity, not chaos. I’ve seen too many women settle for half-hearted conversations, confusing delayed replies for being “busy,” or cryptic texts for “mystery.” Let me tell you, there’s no mystery in not caring enough to make an effort. I once asked a man outright if he was interested, and his reply was a shrug in text form. Nothing definitive. No conviction. And that’s when I realised the problem wasn’t me, it was him.

And here’s where I want to be painfully honest. Sometimes the hardest part about dealing with these situations isn’t just the lack of effort, it’s what it reflects back to us. Because when someone keeps you in emotional limbo, a part of you starts to wonder, Why am I not enough to deserve certainty? That’s the quiet heartbreak no one talks about. The nights you stay up wondering if you’re just a “maybe.” The afternoons you spend scrolling through your phone, waiting for a message that never comes. But hear me, my friend: you are not hard to love. You are not too much. You are not asking for a wedding venue by date two. You are simply asking for a man to behave like he means it.

I’m not checking for texts anymore, I’m looking for leadership. I’m looking for a man whose actions line up with his words. A man who doesn’t just say “Let’s catch up soon,” but pulls out his calendar. A man who sees communication as communion, not convenience. A man who knows that in both faith and love, intention matters.

If you’re reading this with a knot in your stomach and a situationship in your phone, girl, I see you. I’ve been you. And I know how exhausting it is to shrink your standards to fit someone else’s laziness. But this isn’t your final draft. Let him fumble the bag. Let the silence stretch. Let it hurt, but let it heal you. Because the man who knows what he wants, and is ready for what you are, will never confuse you. He will never use texting as a substitute for showing up.

You deserve a man of intent. A man of God. A man of courage. A man who leads not just in theory but in practice. So if you find yourself checking your phone one too many times, rereading screenshots with your best friend, or wondering what “wyd” really means at 11pm… pause. Look up. And remind yourself: texting isn’t leadership. You were made for more than mixed signals and emojis. You were made for meaning.